"Why do you have to do everything so extreme?"

"Have you ever heard of the word 'moderation'?"

To answer these actual questions proposed to me by a friend when I told her I was doing the mental toughness challenge, 75 Hard, "I don't think I really do everything so extreme and moderation is subjective!"...Or possibly the more accurate answer is, "Maybe I need to do something extreme because that's where I'm at right now."

How about asking me, "What do you hope to gain by doing this?" My answer to that would have been, "I need help", or "I've been stuck in a 'low vibration' for years and I don't know how to change it", or "Nobody is coming to save me so I need to do something, ANYTHING to change my thinking."

The rules are simple: 1) Exercise twice a day for 75 days, minimum 45 minutes each session. One workout each day must be outside and workouts cannot be combined (must be separated by several hours). 2) Choose a "diet" and stick to it. 3) Drink one gallon of plain water per day. 4) Read 10 pages of any non-fiction book per day. 5) No alcohol.

Simple, yes, but one of the most arduous and seemingly never-ending goals I've ever attempted, and I've done some hard shit! The kicker? If you don't complete all tasks in any given day you must start over from Day 1. Full transparency here, I "failed" on multiple occasions and no, I did not start over. Each day felt like a week. I began this insanity the same day my daughter started school an hour away, so in addition to working six days a week, my drive was 3-4 hours per day. No excuses here, I'm just giving you a full picture of the gravity of the assigned daily tasks. With that said, I never missed a work out, I think I did pretty well with my diet changes, completed at least 10 pages every night, massively upped my water intake and consumed no alcohol 74 out of the 75 days.

Technically I failed by doing a few workouts too close together, adding electrolytes to my water mid-way because I felt like absolute shit, I had a lick of a friend's birthday cake and a shot of whiskey at a dear friend's funeral. In no way do I feel like a failure. As much as the creator of the program and the die-hard 75 Hard FB group would have me believe I 'failed', I am elated I pushed myself daily doing things I positively did not want to do, day in and day out for 75 consecutive days. Did I want to wake up at 4 am to workout? Did I want to go outside for a run in the dark and freezing cold weather? Did I want to get my 2nd workout in at 11 pm? Did I want to workout with a migraine? Did I want to drink more water when I was dry-heaving because my body wanted anything but more water? F--- no. Was it healthy? That's debatable. I felt physically terrible most days. Then why would one subject themselves to this self-inflicted torture?

There are a plethora of answers to that question. I didn't do it to lose weight. I didn't do it to prove to anyone I could do it. And I definitely didn't do it because I'm hardcore. I'm not. I did it because I needed change and after attempting 'moderate' change for the previous four years, I could not feel inspired by living. Life was in gray tones much of the time. I could not, again, repeat these words to my daughter, "I just need to lie down." Everybody has their reasons for making the choices we make, mine felt dire. Yes, a great therapist would have been ideal, but finding one seemed too tiresome at the time and antidepressants were not an option for me.

What did I gain through this challenge?

- I trust myself again.

- I developed discipline.

- My energy level increased dramatically.

- I learned a great deal by reading non-fiction and listening to biography podcosts during the workouts.

- I learned I love biographies and autobiograpies!

- My body changed in a good way. (Lost 8 pounds and surprisingly 18 inches!)

- I feel stronger.

- I feel more confident.

- I started to dream of possibility again.

- My daughter is proud of me.

- I realized I CAN make time for what's important and that includes my health, mental and physical.

- My dogs seem happier because they got more exercise and got to see more of the outside world.

- I care less about things that don't really matter.

- My tendency to overthink decreased.

- I'm actually more connected with my loved ones. (Worried about 'selfishly' spending too much time away from my daughter.)

- I sleep better.

- I'm more focused on each thing I do throughout the day. (Markedly more present.)

- My taste changed and I don't crave sugar like I have my whole life.

- I may have inadvertently inspired people around me to make changes they wanted to make.

- I made new friends.

- It taught me how to plan and prioritize better.

- I wasn't lonely even though I was still alone a lot of the time.

I'd say those are some pretty valuable gains for 75 days of doing hard things!

To answer one final question, do I think I will ever do this again? I cannot see that happening. Maybe 30 days, if needed, to jumpstart my brain again. 75 days was pure hell...and in the same breath I will tell you, I'm sincerely grateful to my friend who turned me onto this challenge, the creator of the challenge and also the authors of all the inspiring books I read. I'm no longer merely existing, but thriving. I'm sure I will battle my demons again, but now I KNOW I can take control and destroy them when I've had enough. There is something to be said for "mental toughness', a disciplined mind, breaking lazy habits and ceasing to make excuses. I'm not a victim of depression or circumstance. I can do things differently. Change IS hard, but WE ARE WORTH a little hard work!