Time to Heal or Get Back on the Horse? (Online Dating, Ego, & Heartbreak)

I was out with my mom just before Mother's Day, and in that moment, I felt genuinely happy when I thought of you. We had come a long way (in my mind) in the prior six months. Finally, after what I would describe as extreme patience and understanding on my part, it seemed you were ready to explore this with me whole-heartedly.

In retrospect, it's possible it was more conscious or unconscious conditioning that kept me honoring our "deals." This wasn't my first rodeo, and I hadn't allowed myself to be in a position like this in many years. Oh, I saw "red flags" early on, but what I saw was tolerable to me because I was under the strong impression that the integrity factor was intact, and that's EVERYTHING to me. Our word matters, and nobody can convince me otherwise. That said, I am all for giving grace if humility is present when a word is broken.

The bottom line is, for context, I massively misread the situation, was misled, and was basically a pawn in a game I was unaware I was playing.

Anyhow, in that moment, I felt whole, happy, and full of gratitude—for my business, my beautiful family, life in general, and this stubborn hunky daddy. I felt whole and actually pretty damn happy before we crossed paths, but this was next level, like I'd won the prize. When that was suddenly removed, a "blankness" ensued, like my heart was separate from my body. Your tactics were superb to serve your purpose of protecting yourself. I cannot imagine the level of hurt you must have endured in your life to treat me or others this way. Here I am, weeks later, still trying to sort through the carnage left in my mind and heart.

"You should get back out there!" "Date as many men as you can!" The advice has been pretty consistent since this last breakup. However, I can't technically call it a breakup because I was never given the opportunity to have a proper conversation to discuss the option of breaking up. Also, apparently, as I learned in the last text, we never even dated. My go-to response to ridiculousness is to laugh, but that doesn't seem appropriate here. I really couldn't find it funny on either end.

Because of my business, I have the opportunity to listen to a lot of people. Most of my clients get right back on the dating sites immediately after a breakup. Part of me envies the ability to get back on the horse and "move on" quickly. It seems evident, though, that many are subconsciously attempting to feed the bruised ego with attention and distraction. I don't want to depend on others to feed my ego to feel better.

My daughter reached out the other day, sending me pictures of gorgeous, rugged men with insightful bios on her dating app:

"Mom, look at the pictures I sent you. Be inspired. Go on there."

"Nice face, I'm going to work out."

"I found the man for you. He's built, conservative, and loves his dog. YOLO."

"I'm not ready."

"Six foot, artsy, communicative, very clear with his words."

"No. His eyes don't look trustworthy."

"Mom, his personality was not hot, this should be easy to get over."

"I still felt connected with him."

"Connection on a foundation of LIES."

"True, but I still want to take the time to grieve this properly and focus on myself for a bit."

"Yeah."

I am currently torn between staying true to that and letting my pride lead, saying fuck it, fuck you...If I can't beat 'em, I'll join 'em. Watch me fill my calendar with gorgeous, more emotionally intelligent, interesting men. It is true, I could find a replacement hunky daddy online in a hot minute, but that's nothing but a distraction I don't need. These type of men are a dime a dozen. Finding one with integrity is much more elusive. Luckily I don't care too much about the hunky daddy part. And I sure as hell know you can find somebody younger and hotter than me. However, I also know my spirit and presence won't be easily replaced. Genuine souls are few and far between.

Jumping into something new won't bring me peace, and I care far more about peace than fake-feeling-better momentarily. According to Anita Moorjani, who wrote two phenomenal books on her near-death experience, ego is essential, and I agree. We need ego/pride to survive in this harsh world, but when does ego become detrimental? When we use people to try to fill a void or make up for our own lack, consciously or not. And it should be common knowledge that if our pride prevents us from owning our own shit, that's a huge fucking problem. But that's a discussion for another day.

My confidence and peace are returning, without anyone in my messages telling me how beautiful or awesome I am. That's my win. I may dip my little toe in when I am ready, but I am done with this lesson. I'm tired. My soul is tired of people who cannot return what I have to give or show basic decency. Maturity/respect for self and others = taking accountability for our own actions. Plain and simple.

Do I hold judgment against people who jump right back into the dating pool like so many do? Like I said, I kind of envy it in a way. It sounds a heck of a lot easier to be able to instantaneously shake off heartbreak and not give two fucks about the person I recently claimed to love. But no doubt, eventually serial online daters who use this tool to avoid pain or avoid taking responsibility end up having to face themselves anyway, when the distractions fade. I'd rather get it out of the way now for my own sake, and also for someone who has the capacity to receive and honor what I have to give and to return themselves fully.