UN-STICK ME

Feeling stuck is a strange phenomenon I've gotten to know intimately. It almost has a power over you and no matter what you do, you just can't seem to propel forward.

I'm counting nearly four years of immobilizing, relentless stuck-ness to be exact. I'm hesitant to acknowledge this because if I heard someone admit this I would probably offer platitudes (or at least think them) such as, “you’ve got to change your mindset”, or “do something different”, or “do you realize how much you have to be grateful for?”, or “maybe you should talk to someone”, or “I always feel better when I go to the gym or get out in nature”, or worse yet, “keep your chin up!”.

The challenge I've faced with feeling stuck sure as hell isn’t for lack of trying! Trying this, trying that, mixing up various combinations of this and that....always circling back to an odd mixture of feeling lonely/isolated yet not wanting to be around people, forcing myself to do “healthy” things then giving up repeatedly and vacillating back and forth between different paths I could take while staying in the same place.

I’m not complaining, just recognizing a pattern for the sake of conversation regarding the human condition. I do work on my mindset daily, I do try different things, I do feel grateful and blessed, I do go to the gym and enjoy nature and I certainly do try to keep my chin up! I have a genuine, satisfying relationship with Jesus and I hold onto hope like my very life depends on it! I would call it an extended “funk”, but I'm sure that's not the technical term.

This wasn’t me. I had a divine childlike enthusiasm for life, one that didn’t require faking. I was so far on the other end of the spectrum that it’s difficult to fathom how this came to be. Of course I had “down times” but never anything this drawn out and palpable. I definitely have some keen ideas regarding the “why”, but I’m not sure that the “why’s” matter...where to go from here matters to me.

I’m sitting here in bed, alone, as usual, on a Saturday night, watching some quirky sitcom. It’s a show about an overweight, insecure, kind of "door-matty", but genuine, lovely young lady. I'm not overweight and I like to think of myself as not insecure nor "door-matty" anymore...but God, this character reached out and moved my spirit! She works for some kind of online newspaper and she’s bursting with ideas but continually gets shut down, either by herself or powers that be.

All of a sudden, something strikes me, something I already knew but also something that fear frequently prevents me from acknowledging. I f---ing love writing! This is not my first epiphany regarding writing, but I like to stay consistent and it usually takes a few go-arounds for me to really lock things in.

Fear is my enemy. Fear is THE enemy. What's so scary about writing? 1) I'm not trained or educated to write. 2) It risks rejection and failure, which I feel I've known far too well. 3) It's tremendously exposing and places one in vulnerable space. So yes, there are valid reasons for fear. <I truly miss being naive and ignorant to certain aspects of life...jumping in full throttle, without hesitation. It's the outcomes of those days that brought me here though. Now, I know there's a middle ground in there somewhere!>

It’s almost as though I’ve been sitting here waiting for someone to tell me, “Katja, you’re a writer, go for it girl, you’ve got this.” But I could sit here for a lifetime waiting for permission...and from whom?

So, what’s the take home from this? Eventually the discomfort of feeling stuck outweighs the fear of making the wrong decision or failure. Maybe we get uncomfortable, restless and STUCK when we haven’t been acknowledging a passion/calling or when we are on a path that doesn't flow with our own spirit. Maybe it’s clinical depression. Maybe both, but regardless, we don’t need to wait for some cosmic miracle or positive affirmation to do what we long to do, even if doesn't make sense to other people or it means possibly falling flat. I’ve fallen flat numerous times already....what’s one more time?

What do you love to do that you’ve been putting off or had trepidation in starting? I want to hear from you! Tell me how you relate, or don't relate for that matter!

Take care and let’s keep hope together.