Evil, Damaged, or Just Human? (Essay on “Bad” Men)

It took another mind-fuck to get inspired enough to write again, so thank you, LHM, for the motivation I needed to get back to what I love. The written word doesn’t seem to hold the same value as it once did, but that’s the only way I know how to process this confusing, absurd life without imploding. I should start by saying I have not had a lot of luck with men, as I’m sure, many can relate to. Indeed, I find myself intrigued by the ones with questionable pasts, filled with adversity. Why? Because all of the truly stellar people I know have overcome tremendous adversity, and they are just more fucking interesting, to put it bluntly. I'm not seeking to save anyone. Though, when I find myself in a situation where I can see somebody hasn’t done “the work” or faced themselves, yes, I am compelled to want to show them there is another way.

A friend of a friend looked up the guy I’d been seeing on an app called “Are We Dating the Same Guy.” Who knew something like this existed? The information that was thrust upon me, without my curiosity, made me sick inside. It wasn’t merely that he'd been sleeping with others (while he told me he wasn’t), it was the disgust and toxicity of these women’s words that made me feel additionally icky. I wanted nothing to do with jumping on that bandwagon, and I did not. With that said, I am grateful this site exists. I sure as hell would heed a warning, and I say without shame that I will look up any potential man in my future. Any man worth his weight would be grateful that a site like this exists for women, though it would take enormous strength and humility to come to terms with himself if he were on the receiving end of any of this information.

All these “warnings” got me thinking about how easy it is to write someone off as evil or a snake or a narcissist. Are these descriptions accurate, or are the men on the other side just damaged souls like the rest of us, who simply haven’t done the necessary work to understand how their lack of healing or understanding of themselves negatively affects them and others? Isn’t this process just human? We don’t know what we don’t know until we know it. Are they truly “bad” people? I don’t think so. If we painstakingly look at ourselves, we have hurt others and not been the best we can be at certain points in our lives. It is much easier to blame than to look at ourselves in the mirror and see our part in things. **I am making a heavy assumption that the vast majority of men aren’t inherently malevolent and seeking to harm us. It is possible I am so far off base here, but I think the answer is far more complicated than somebody just being “the bad man.”

I consider myself a beautifully honest, integrous being, yet I am sure I have operated without integrity and honesty before. Was I a bad or evil person? Or was I just learning and lacking understanding in those moments? I don’t see the purpose in berating someone for not seeing what they cannot see in a given moment. I will certainly call something as I see it, if asked, but what is it exactly that I see? I see a human being on his own path to maturity, insight, and peace. It sounds like rhetoric, but hurt people truly do hurt people. Does that excuse their behavior? Fuck no. But the world has its own way of working these things out. Berating and calling names don't inspire growth; if anything, they will only serve to confirm whatever causes them to behave this way in the first place. Life itself will have us reap what we have sown, until something prompts our eyes open. As much as it stings like a son of a bitch to have given my all to someone who basically made me look to be a fool in the end, it wasn’t personal. And did he make me look like a fool, or did I? Can we agree that both play a part?

Bottom line is, I took a risk, and I was wrong. What do I see when I take a good, hard look in the mirror following this mind-fuck and heartache? I see that I am clearly still more naïve than I thought. I see I love full-heartedly when it’s probably wiser to hold my cards closer. I see that I still have a difficult time not giving the benefit of the doubt until clear evidence is shown to the contrary. I see that I am still capable of selling myself short, even though I thought this was finished many years ago. I see that I still have a strong desire to “earn” love from someone who clearly doesn’t love me.

Yes, he treated me poorly overall, no doubt. He did not honor himself or me in the way he operated. But I cannot force someone to take accountability, want to hear what I have to say, or grow with me. I can lick my wounds, learn what I can, and pray for further awakening in myself and this lovely man. I’ve had the opportunity to learn from a “tormented abuser”, a “successful, respected, soft-spoken, surgeon”, a “simple, earnest, Christian, country boy”, a “brilliant, handicapped, kind, gentle, Mormon soul” and now this “solid, reserved, nonchalant, blue-eyed, beautiful beast”. What do I see they all have in common? The inability (at the time) to truly be honest with themselves….and what I see as the privilege of crossing paths with me for any length of time. That may come across as lacking humility, but I believe this to be the truth.

Excerpt from Yellowstone:

Rainwater: "She's not evil, she's just angry and trying to punish the world."

Mo: "Yeah, I know, and that's what evil means."

Whether immature, damaged, or covered in darkness...I don't want to play anymore with people who don’t play fair. There’s a basic understanding, at least in my mind, with dating. We give each other enough respect and honor to allow the other to make knowledgeable decisions. You’re just playing the field right now? All good, have fun, I may or may not join you. Life is hard enough as it is dealing with what we know to be true, games and illusions take it to an unbearable level. “Mom, they’re all liars and cheaters, just pick one that treats you well.” Nah, I think I’ll hold out and play at a table where we all play by the same rules. For now, I’ll happily play by myself. ❤️