ONLINE DATING: I'M CLEARLY GREEN, WHAT COLOR ARE YOU?

I started my on-again-off-again journey with the perplexing world of online dating about a year ago. You’d think by this time one would feel comfortable with the process. No level of comfort here and I can see why people get cynical quickly.

Behold the stages that briefly took me from security within myself and hope...to feeling, let's just say, less than secure and cynical.

PHASE 1...The Dipping of the Toes:

It was December of 2019 and I decided enough is enough, life is short, time to start living! I had no idea what this “living” I speak of entailed nor what I was looking for, all I knew was it WAS NOT marriage.

This I knew with certainty after three failed marriages by age forty four. Not a great track record but several years of being alone (and celibate) seemed like plenty of reflection time.

The only man (man-boy) that caught my eye looked eerily similar to someone I held deep in my heart. What can I say? Muscles, young, gorgeous eyes and smile...yep...you’re it. You are the chosen one who shall receive the "right-swipe". As luck would have it, he swiped right as well and bingo!

Conversation was less than inspiring but hey, like my daughter says...YOLO and the decision was made to meet for coffee. It takes a lot for me to be comfortable in social situations with people I’m familiar with, let alone a meeting with a stranger filled with various, utter, terrifying unknowns.

I wore fitted jeans and a cute bright pink sweater. I never wear pink. I rarely wear colors. My closet somehow transformed into mainly grey and black through the years. But this was a “new me”, an awakening...and this Katja was going to wear pink...bright pink. Despite the nervous sweat, shaky hands and the words fumbling out of my mouth, it was a success. What made it a success? I did it. I DID it! I faced my fear and met my "safe" replacement dude in person. I knew he wasn’t “the one” and he was clearly a fill-in but I beamed with pride in my courage. (And yes, I was honest with him straight-away about my lack of intentions for a LTR, long term relationship:)

He leaned in to kiss me while saying our goodbyes and I strangely reacted like a middle-school girl, booking it to my car without looking back. (Hey...it's been a while!)

PHASE 2...If You’re True to Yourself, Hearts May Break:

Replacement dude stood me up for our 3rd date and proceeded to ask me out again the next day. Old me would have given grace and happily accepted. “New me” ended it kindly on the spot...with no follow up texts I might add. Bravo me:)

After several months of online dating hiatus (because this is apparently the amount of time it takes for an over-thinker to reconcile her thoughts about 2 coffee dates with someone she barely knew and barely even knew if she wanted to know), I decided to give it another go.

Next was biker dude, awesome connection, way too “biker-ish”...crushed his soul after one date.

Toiled over hurting another human for several more months, then Mr. Niceguy. Another soul-crushing after one date.

I must say, it got a little easier the more times it happened.

I figured it kinder to rip the Bandaids off quickly because the “new me” trusts my gut and if it doesn’t feel right...done, done and DONE. I've been strung along in the past and it was not an enjoyable experience!

PHASE 3) It’s Not Always the Other Person Who Gets Crushed:

I got used to dropping conversations without a second thought. It became tiresome explaining myself to people and it felt good, liberating to trust myself and stay true.

Interestingly, a new phenomenon began occurring. I’d match with someone gorgeous and seemingly interesting. We’d start talking and once he’d get a feel of who I am after a day or two....HE’D drop ME from the conversation. That didn't feel as good and liberating.

Initially I thought, without a doubt, an error or glitch must have occurred with the site....I mean, I’m awesome, I’m a catch, right?!

Then the discussions with Jesus ensued, “I trust you, even though he seemed pretty great, I trust that you didn’t allow this for a reason.” What I was really saying was, “Please please please God, bring him back, I really liked him!”

PHASE 4...Total Rejection and Momentary Self-Loathing:

By this time, I had a lack of excitement about online dating but being the masochist that I am, I half-heartedly pulled together another profile, posting minimal pictures with not even enough heart to think up clever answers to questions...

“Tell us a little about yourself”

...just ask

A liberal swiped right on me. I thought I would never swipe right on a liberal (not because I hate them but more-so avoiding potential conflict during the political atmosphere at the time), but his opening statement was bold and unusual:

“I’m very clear on the type of person I’m looking for. I got a little overwhelmed in the amount of interest I’ve received on here. So if I swiped on you, there is likely a very good reason.”

What the hell, I swiped right on the liberal. How could I not? It wasn’t going to be anything anyway and I was curious! I mean who the hell writes an opening statement like that? Master’s degree (check), well spoken (check), gorgeous face (check), strong body (check), good hair (check). And yes, I'm aware of how superficial I'm coming across. The truth is a real soul connection matters most to me but those are the qualities that are seen first with online dating.

From first introduction this “lib” asked me questions no other person had asked and responded thoughtfully to my answers. He had me chuckling out loud and I’m pretty sure I had him laughing as well. Most people don’t seem to get my humor...or me for that matter. But I was 100% being myself and he seemed okay with it! He was deep and didn’t seem to think I was a freak for my tendency to over-think humanity.

A small hope began to grow. Not that he was “the one”, but at least a hope that I’d found a kindred spirit again (yes, I read too much Anne of Green Gables as a child), who could “see” me and accept me for all my foibles and flaws.

TWO days, just two short days and dropped. Nothing. No response. Nada.

How could I think anything other than, “there’s clearly something wrong with me that I can’t see. Men like me, get to know me then stop liking me.”

(Mental note: If I ever stop wanting to talk to someone again, I will give the respect of kindly saying goodbye instead of the heartless drop. It sucks.)

PHASE 5....The Recovery:

We must be ever so careful not to dwell here....

After two days of secretly self-loathing, I picked myself up, comforted my bruised ego, had a good laugh and carried on. It's embarrassing now that it even bothered me for a couple of days. We didn't know each other and even if he did really know me and decided he didn't enjoy talking with me...so what? Seriously!

FINAL CONSENSUS of online dating:

IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO SEEKS ADVENTURE/FUN AND WHO SAYS,

"F--- IT!" FREQUENTLY, IT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY BE WORTH EXPLORING!

IF YOU'RE A "FRETTER"/OVER-THINKER, CAUTIOUSLY PROCEED AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TRY TO KEEP THINGS LIGHT AND NOT TAKE ANYTHING TOO PERSONALLY!

*************************************************************************************************************************************

Here's to moving forward and remembering who we are when we need to. We are LOVE and spectacularly LOVABLE (to the right people;).