What the F*%# is a PARADOX IN REVERSE??

par·a·dox /ˈperəˌdäks/

noun a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true.

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So, the reverse of that would be...a seemingly well founded or true statement or proposition that when investigated proves to be absurd or self-contradictory.

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My dad said I was a paradox in reverse when I was younger. It stuck with me, deep in the layers of myself I didn't even realize were there, until quite recently. Did he think I was a fraud? Was I someone not to be taken seriously? Clearly, I'm just a ridiculous human, proven to be absurd and self-contradictory. That's all, just a meaningless statement, right?

Why does it cut so deep and so difficult to heal when we are hurt by a parent or loved one...even when, intellectually, we know it's not true or not our fault? When we are younger, we idealize our parents. It doesn't even matter if they were a "good" parent, they are the hero in our story! When they say something negative, directly or indirectly (ex: by moving away from us), it sticks. Oh boy does it stick!

Even when we are able to peek behind the curtain and see the person in question for who they really are, that seed is already planted and it grows like a silent cancer, unbeknownst to us, until we get to a point in our lives where we wonder why the hell we've been married three times, have lacked confidence/felt insecure, self-sabotaged, embodied addictive behaviors, enabled others, attracted people (just like the parent/person we don't even respect anymore) and insensibly attempted, relentlessly, to prove our self-worth to them.

Despite some earnest strides, new awareness and tireless work on myself, part of me is still that little eight year old girl who wants so desperately to be loved and accepted by my dad. Even when I think I'm past it, it rears it's ugly head when I least expect it.

It's exhausting...losing yourself in relationships and paying the consequences for YOUR (MY) "questionable" choices. I don't want to anymore. I don't want to feel small, silence my truth or try to prove myself anymore to feel loved.

I'm just me. Take me or leave me. I'm okay either way. After forty-three painstaking years, I can finally say that and for this moment, I am free.

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Excerpt from PARADOX IN REVERSE (my nearly finished book!)

I’ve been accused of seeing the world through “rose colored glasses” throughout my life. I’ve been called naïve, dense, dumb, dingy, dingbat, illogical, gullible and my personal favorite…a paradox in reverse. What does that even mean? Put it this way, I relate to Forrest Gump more than I’d like to admit.

Why would I assume somebody is lying? Why would I assume the worst in any situation? Why would I not give someone the benefit of the doubt? I would want that! I guess I can see how this would come across as stupid, but I see it as exquisite and even though it’s brought forth immense pain and embarrassment, I never want to fully extinguish that part of myself.

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